Dear All Ye Who Suck,

    Thou dost suck. Thou art most odious and vile, and verily I do oft wonder about the source of thine conception. For it dost seem most apparent that thine maternal creator did indeed have the form of a boar, and thine paternal creator certainly was of boorish nature, given that thou must have inherited these traits from some source. I do rather hope there exists somewhere a remedy for thine disturbing ailments, but I fear this is a false hope. You seem to be irremediably influenced.

Here’s to hopes that the apothecary giveth you something effective for your temperament, but which also causes sores and boils,

Chaddy